Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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