I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
