Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
