I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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