shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
