I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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