Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
