Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
