After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I enjoy the company of your penis
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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