Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
