I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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