Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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