My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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