I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
