everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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