I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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