I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
