If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
