i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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