Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
