I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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