Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
