remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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