Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
