I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
