Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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