wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
