why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
