What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
