Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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