Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
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So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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