1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
