4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
