i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All the doctor said was why
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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