3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
