You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
YAS. BRING CRAB.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
