All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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