I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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