dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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