So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
