Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
