Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
