I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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