your room smells of hookers.
And success
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
