i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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