he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My life is pants optional.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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