so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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