farters have to be the big spoon...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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