Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
