Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
