last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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