Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
