Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I think i got beer on your cat.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
