I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
