I want to walk on stilts...naked
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My vagina is officially offended.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize