my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize