You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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