fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
