Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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