Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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