i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize