When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
