She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
