In the future we'll all be gay
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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