You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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