Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
