I can text with my tongue
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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