if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
