Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
