Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
