Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We're too hungover to prance.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
