I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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